Some Things You Should Not Say to Your Childless Friend/Relative/Family

A few days ago I saw a friend on Facebook share an article titled “Five Things You Should Not Say to A Caesarean Woman”. I consider it very insightful. I try to remember them so I don't accidentally offend someone in the future.

Today I decide to write “Some Things You Should Not Say to Your Childless Friend/Relative/Family”. (Mainly) to let off some steam..and also to share some insights..

1. When you’re having a conversation with your childless friend about vacation, or Saturday night out, or even just about being romantic to your husband/wife, please refrain from saying “Yeah..that’s possible/doable when you don’t have any kids” (Indonesian version : “Iyalah, kalau belum punya anak sih mungkin-mungkin aja ya melakukan hal itu.”), or “Well..me and my husband/wife used to do /be like that before we have any kids.” (Indonesian version : “Dulu sih gw sama suami/istri juga gitu sebelum punya anak, tapi sejak punya anak ya ga begitu lagi.”. To you, maybe you’re merely revealing “the facts” on the difference of having kids and not. But please take some time to contemplate what it feels like for your childless friend (who may have been trying to have one) to hear comments like that. It’s like every time she/he is constantly being reminded that she/he “does not have children”.

2. Don’t just come out of nowhere and say “Why don’t you just go to the doctor and ask him/her to treat you?” (Indonesian version : Program aja ke dokter…minum obat penyubur…). You don’t know what your childless friend has been through. Maybe she/he has visited countless doctor (who suck), gone thru numerous treatments (that failed), spent millions and millions of rupiah. Maybe. So please, try to rephrase your suggestions so as not to imply that you think she/he is stupid enough that she/he has not been doing anything at all all this time and that you need to tell her/him that she/he ought to start to do “something”. Of course you can still say “I hear that dr.AAA in hospital BBB is very good, have you heard about him?”. That's as harmless as you can go.

3. As much as you think that you are a saint, who always pray correctly and hard enough, hence all your life you’ve been “lucky” enough to have all your prayers answered instantly exactly the way you wanted them to be answered, don’t say “Maybe you don’t pray hard enough.” or “Maybe you haven’t asked to God.”. (Indonesian version : Kamu belum minta kali..kan Tuhan bilang siapa yang mengetuk pintu akan dibukakan, kamu belum mengetuk kali..). Who made you God Almighty who sees everything and knows everything? You have no right to judge whether I’m worthy or not to have my prayers answered. God has His own plan for my life (and yours too), so let’s not judge each other, shall we?

4. Don’t say “No wonder you can’t have any kids.” (Indonesia version : Pantesan aja lo susah punya anak.). Maybe you meant it as a joke. But come on..think about it again..is it really supposed to be funny? And if you didn’t mean it to be a joke, how heartless and ignorant can a person be? I don’t think I need to say more on this one. Fiuhhh, recalling just those 4 kinds of comments (the no.1 - 3 have been said to me by real people, by the way) is already quite exhausting. Maybe I’ll come out with some more after this.