Today I chatted with a friend who also went through IVF at the same hospital as I did. We had the same doctor, we even had our egg retrieval and embryo transfer at the same dates. We both had 2 embryos transfered, and we both got negative results :(.
She went back to the doctor yesterday and were explained about the possible reasons why her IVF cycle failed. She was suggested to have laparoscopy next Tuesday to check her endometrium because all the data pointing at the possibility that maybe her endometrium was not receptive enough for implantation.
After having a chat with her and hearing all the informations she got from our doctor, I found myself getting the courage to think about having the follow up consultation. Before today, I didn't even want to think about it. The thought of it was too much to bear. But today, the curiosity finally overpowers my exhaustion. So I phoned the hospital asking for an appointment. I got scheduled for next Monday, March 4th, 8 pm.
God, give me the serenity to accept the things that I can't control.. Give me the ability to accept Your plans in my life. Give me the courage to embrace reality and look at tomorrow with a hear filled with hope and joy. I ask for Your strength..because it's the only possible way for me to get through this..
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
7 days post BFN
It has been 1 week since the day our IVF result came back negative.
Yesterday we went back to our home after spending almost 3 weeks at my parents' house. In general, I feel OK. I love that me and my husband get to spend time together just the two of us again, like the way it used to be.
I try not to feel anything when my eyes caught the sight of Gonal-F that is still laying there inside my fridge. I even tried to deny my eyes telling my brain that they saw it. I didn't want to see, I didn't want to remember. But the thought manage to creep into my head. I remember those times when that injection was a source of hope. Injecting myself every evening, thinking to myself that every injection leads us even closer to our dream of having a baby. Praying and hoping that it's doing its job, helping me superovulating with good and big eggs to harvest.
I try not to feel anything when people tell me not to get too carried away with my disappointment, to get back to my feet, and to carry on with our effort on having a baby. Go back to the doctor, ask for explanations, get checked, etc etc etc. I know they mean well. That's why I try not to feel anything. I know it's not easy for other people to comprehend how it feels. How exhausted I am..physically and mentally. How fed up I am with all the visits to the hospital, the blood checks in the lab, the ultrasounds and the consultations with the doctor, the waiting, the wondering, the hoping, the worrying. How disappointed I am that all of that hasn't been a success. I know that God has everything planned for us and that His timing is the best. But that doesn't spare me from feeling exhausted and fed up. I need some time to not thinking about anything that has to do with "trying to have a baby". I need to be able to free my mind. I need a break. I need to get myself back first. But I know, it's not that easy for other people to understand.
Yesterday we went back to our home after spending almost 3 weeks at my parents' house. In general, I feel OK. I love that me and my husband get to spend time together just the two of us again, like the way it used to be.
I try not to feel anything when my eyes caught the sight of Gonal-F that is still laying there inside my fridge. I even tried to deny my eyes telling my brain that they saw it. I didn't want to see, I didn't want to remember. But the thought manage to creep into my head. I remember those times when that injection was a source of hope. Injecting myself every evening, thinking to myself that every injection leads us even closer to our dream of having a baby. Praying and hoping that it's doing its job, helping me superovulating with good and big eggs to harvest.
I try not to feel anything when people tell me not to get too carried away with my disappointment, to get back to my feet, and to carry on with our effort on having a baby. Go back to the doctor, ask for explanations, get checked, etc etc etc. I know they mean well. That's why I try not to feel anything. I know it's not easy for other people to comprehend how it feels. How exhausted I am..physically and mentally. How fed up I am with all the visits to the hospital, the blood checks in the lab, the ultrasounds and the consultations with the doctor, the waiting, the wondering, the hoping, the worrying. How disappointed I am that all of that hasn't been a success. I know that God has everything planned for us and that His timing is the best. But that doesn't spare me from feeling exhausted and fed up. I need some time to not thinking about anything that has to do with "trying to have a baby". I need to be able to free my mind. I need a break. I need to get myself back first. But I know, it's not that easy for other people to understand.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
2 days post BFN
We got our failed IVF result on Monday, February 18th, so it has been 2 days. Am I feeling better? I think so.. Have I stopped feeling sad? I guess not.. I still find myself crying from time to time. I'm also having trouble sleeping. When I'm alone, 1 minute I feel OK, but the next minute I feel empty and the sadness, disappointment, and heartbreak hit me.
I already know the result would be negative 1-2 days before my scheduled blood test. First, I got little spotting Friday afternoon, February 15th, it was mainly brownish but with some red streaks. That's when I really panicked. But after a moment, I thought maybe it was implantation bleeding. My hopes were rising even higher than before. But in the evening, I spotted some more. I flipped back and forth from feeling scared to hopeful, and then to scared again.
The next morning, the spotting was very much like what I experience every time I'm about to get my period. I cried..and told my husband. We tried to accept the fact that it's almost certain now our IVF is not successful. It hurts a lot..thinking of all the process we have gone through, the injections, the early morning visits to the hospital for blood checks, the waitings for doctor's consultation in the evening, yet ending up with NOTHING. My husband kept trying to make me feel more positive..and I do feel a bit more positive every time we discussed and shared our feelings with each other. But still, the disappointment stays..
When I woke up on Sunday morning, I found quite a big clot of red blood on my undies, and that's when I knew it for sure, it's my period. That time, I actually felt relieved. At least I got the answer, no more questions, no more doubts. Only shattered hope. I was sad, but relieved. I went back to our room, woke up my husband and told him. We hugged in silence, trying to process and accept everything.
On Monday morning, we went to the lab for my blood test. They told me I would get the result in the afternoon, about 1-2 PM. Me and my husband had lunch together. When it was 1 PM, we nervously waited for the news. It was so hard to stop hoping. At almost 2 PM, the text message we were waiting for finally came. As predicted, the doctor said my beta HCG result was < 1, which means I was not pregnant. I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Finally, it was closure.
Up until today, my mood swings from feeling sad, disappointed, accepting, exhausted, empty, angry, and a whole other emotions I can't even put my finger on. Some people tell me not to cry and not to be sad because it has negative effects. Even after everything that I've been through, I'm not entitled to cry??? Some people think that I'm perfectly OK, just because I don't cry in front of their faces, and ask me such innocent yet insensitive questions like "You're not on bed rest anymore now, are you?". I feel envy, thinking of other people who get pregnant sooo easily. They say not to ask why, but I can't help myself. I ask why me? Why us? Why it has to be this difficult for us? But then I remember other people who have been and are still waiting even longer than us to have a baby. And then I thought, what we are going through is nothing compared to their struggles.
I'm trying to cope with all these feelings. I'm hoping that I can move on from this phase soon..and be completely OK again.
I already know the result would be negative 1-2 days before my scheduled blood test. First, I got little spotting Friday afternoon, February 15th, it was mainly brownish but with some red streaks. That's when I really panicked. But after a moment, I thought maybe it was implantation bleeding. My hopes were rising even higher than before. But in the evening, I spotted some more. I flipped back and forth from feeling scared to hopeful, and then to scared again.
The next morning, the spotting was very much like what I experience every time I'm about to get my period. I cried..and told my husband. We tried to accept the fact that it's almost certain now our IVF is not successful. It hurts a lot..thinking of all the process we have gone through, the injections, the early morning visits to the hospital for blood checks, the waitings for doctor's consultation in the evening, yet ending up with NOTHING. My husband kept trying to make me feel more positive..and I do feel a bit more positive every time we discussed and shared our feelings with each other. But still, the disappointment stays..
When I woke up on Sunday morning, I found quite a big clot of red blood on my undies, and that's when I knew it for sure, it's my period. That time, I actually felt relieved. At least I got the answer, no more questions, no more doubts. Only shattered hope. I was sad, but relieved. I went back to our room, woke up my husband and told him. We hugged in silence, trying to process and accept everything.
On Monday morning, we went to the lab for my blood test. They told me I would get the result in the afternoon, about 1-2 PM. Me and my husband had lunch together. When it was 1 PM, we nervously waited for the news. It was so hard to stop hoping. At almost 2 PM, the text message we were waiting for finally came. As predicted, the doctor said my beta HCG result was < 1, which means I was not pregnant. I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Finally, it was closure.
Up until today, my mood swings from feeling sad, disappointed, accepting, exhausted, empty, angry, and a whole other emotions I can't even put my finger on. Some people tell me not to cry and not to be sad because it has negative effects. Even after everything that I've been through, I'm not entitled to cry??? Some people think that I'm perfectly OK, just because I don't cry in front of their faces, and ask me such innocent yet insensitive questions like "You're not on bed rest anymore now, are you?". I feel envy, thinking of other people who get pregnant sooo easily. They say not to ask why, but I can't help myself. I ask why me? Why us? Why it has to be this difficult for us? But then I remember other people who have been and are still waiting even longer than us to have a baby. And then I thought, what we are going through is nothing compared to their struggles.
I'm trying to cope with all these feelings. I'm hoping that I can move on from this phase soon..and be completely OK again.
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