2 days post BFN

We got our failed IVF result on Monday, February 18th, so it has been 2 days. Am I feeling better? I think so.. Have I stopped feeling sad? I guess not.. I still find myself crying from time to time. I'm also having trouble sleeping. When I'm alone, 1 minute I feel OK, but the next minute I feel empty and the sadness, disappointment, and heartbreak hit me.

I already know the result would be negative 1-2 days before my scheduled blood test. First, I got little spotting Friday afternoon, February 15th, it was mainly brownish but with some red streaks. That's when I really panicked. But after a moment, I thought maybe it was implantation bleeding. My hopes were rising even higher than before. But in the evening, I spotted some more. I flipped back and forth from feeling scared to hopeful, and then to scared again.

The next morning, the spotting was very much like what I experience every time I'm about to get my period. I cried..and told my husband. We tried to accept the fact that it's almost certain now our IVF is not successful. It hurts a lot..thinking of all the process we have gone through, the injections, the early morning visits to the hospital for blood checks, the waitings for doctor's consultation in the evening, yet ending up with NOTHING. My husband kept trying to make me feel more positive..and I do feel a bit more positive every time we discussed and shared our feelings with each other. But still, the disappointment stays..

When I woke up on Sunday morning, I found quite a big clot of red blood on my undies, and that's when I knew it for sure, it's my period. That time, I actually felt relieved. At least I got the answer, no more questions, no more doubts. Only shattered hope. I was sad, but relieved. I went back to our room, woke up my husband and told him. We hugged in silence, trying to process and accept everything.

On Monday morning, we went to the lab for my blood test. They told me I would get the result in the afternoon, about 1-2 PM. Me and my husband had lunch together. When it was 1 PM, we nervously waited for the news. It was so hard to stop hoping. At almost 2 PM, the text message we were waiting for finally came. As predicted, the doctor said my beta HCG result was < 1, which means I was not pregnant. I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Finally, it was closure.

Up until today, my mood swings from feeling sad, disappointed, accepting, exhausted, empty, angry, and a whole other emotions I can't even put my finger on. Some people tell me not to cry and not to be sad because it has negative effects. Even after everything that I've been through, I'm not entitled to cry??? Some people think that I'm perfectly OK, just because I don't cry in front of their faces, and ask me such innocent yet insensitive questions like "You're not on bed rest anymore now, are you?". I feel envy, thinking of other people who get pregnant sooo easily. They say not to ask why, but I can't help myself. I ask why me? Why us? Why it has to be this difficult for us? But then I remember other people who have been and are still waiting even longer than us to have a baby. And then I thought, what we are going through is nothing compared to their struggles.

I'm trying to cope with all these feelings. I'm hoping that I can move on from this phase soon..and be completely OK again.